Apologies for the shock you received when you saw the photo of me in my platinum blonde hair. I should have forewarned you about that. I do so appreciate the hair tips, though. I’ve stocked up on Vitamin E oil and made sure to swipe a load of Sweet ‘n’ Low packets from the coffee shop down the street so I’m ready for my next dye job. Tell your friend and the fellow kasbah commenter who mentioned the Sweet ‘n’ Low thanks for me.
Storm Trooper boots of death? No, that wasn’t the sound of me laughing AT you, but rather WITH you. It’s too bad my bribe to your ski instructor didn’t include video taping the extended sidestepping lesson up the baby mole hill. I would have paid a lot more to see that, though I do feel quite awful about your ankles. Sorry about that. If I knew where the writing cave was, I’d send you some bubbles for your bath, a nice pair of soft, fluffy socks to slip on afterwards, and a recording of me saying aluminium and fingers and… oh, what’s your new favourite word said in a British accent? Yes, right. Schedule. And as an added bonus, I would write and record a poem for you with all three words in it called The Aluminium Fingers Were Delivered on Schedule.
For now, let’s just say this levels the playing field. How so? Come now, friend. Nice try with the innocent look. Actors can tell when people are acting. It’s like having x-ray vision or always being able to find the perfect spot to park the car. Do I need to remind you of parcels left in the woods, or parcels with overly padded suits and wigs, or parcels with my favourite candy laced with truth serum in order to ply Sherlock secrets out of me?
I didn’t think so.
Game ON, friend.
And in case you were wondering, I’m always ready to receive a set of GPS coordinates. No, those other coordinates. Yes, THOSE. You can leave them at the cafe. You know the one.
There’s no rush. I’m going to be quite tied up with filming the Julian Assange biopic and Sherlock, and promoting Star Trek in the coming months. Also, there’s all of that sugar-coating and Vitamin E conditioning for my hair to factor in. I’ve waited this long. I can wait a bit more. Plus, it will give my people more time to find out what other adventures you’ve got planned for yourself.
I hear Hawaii is nice this time of year. Give my best to the delightfully helpful snorkeling instructors, would you?
*Editor’s note: The views, ideas, and opinions expressed in the Letters from Benedict series are works of fiction and obviously did not come from the actor himself. This series is just my way of expressing adoration for Mr. Cumberbatch and his work and is not intended to be seen or read as a true collaborative writing endeavor with him.