Taking Tea in the Kasbah

Dear Tami,

Apologies for the shock you received when you saw the photo of me in my platinum blonde hair. I should have forewarned you about that. I do so appreciate the hair tips, though. I’ve stocked up on Vitamin E oil and made sure to swipe a load of Sweet ‘n’ Low packets from the coffee shop down the street so I’m ready for my next dye job. Tell your friend and the fellow kasbah commenter who mentioned the Sweet ‘n’ Low thanks for me.

Storm Trooper boots of death? No, that wasn’t the sound of me laughing AT you, but rather WITH you. It’s too bad my bribe to your ski instructor didn’t include video taping the extended sidestepping lesson up the baby mole hill. I would have paid a lot more to see that, though I do feel quite awful about your ankles. Sorry about that. If I knew where the writing cave was, I’d send you some bubbles for your bath, a nice pair of soft, fluffy socks to slip on afterwards, and a recording of me saying aluminium and fingers and… oh, what’s your new favourite word said in a British accent? Yes, right. Schedule. And as an added bonus, I would write and record a poem for you with all three words in it called The Aluminium Fingers Were Delivered on Schedule.

For now, let’s just say this levels the playing field. How so? Come now, friend. Nice try with the innocent look. Actors can tell when people are acting. It’s like having x-ray vision or always being able to find the perfect spot to park the car. Do I need to remind you of parcels left in the woods, or parcels with overly padded suits and wigs, or parcels with my favourite candy laced with truth serum in order to ply Sherlock secrets out of me?

I didn’t think so.

Game ON, friend.

And in case you were wondering, I’m always ready to receive a set of GPS coordinates. No, those other coordinates. Yes, THOSE. You can leave them at the cafe. You know the one.

There’s no rush. I’m going to be quite tied up with filming the Julian Assange biopic and Sherlock, and promoting Star Trek in the coming months. Also, there’s all of that sugar-coating and Vitamin E conditioning for my hair to factor in. I’ve waited this long. I can wait a bit more. Plus, it will give my people more time to find out what other adventures you’ve got planned for yourself.

I hear Hawaii is nice this time of year. Give my best to the delightfully helpful snorkeling instructors, would you?

Mischievously yours,



*Editor’s note: The views, ideas, and opinions expressed in the Letters from Benedict series are works of fiction and obviously did not come from the actor himself. This series is just my way of expressing adoration for Mr. Cumberbatch and his work and is not intended to be seen or read as a true collaborative writing endeavor with him.

14 thoughts on “Letters from Benedict: On Leveling the Playing Field

  1. Tami, I dare say that you might need to increase your camouflage techniques for the writing cave, since Benedict may be picking up discovery methods from the characters he’s been playing. Not all reputable I might say. On a good note, I think his new poem to you has AWARD written all over it.

    • on ,
      Tami Clayton said:

      I think you’re right, Elizabeth. Clearly, he has some intel I didn’t know he had. I think you are also right about that poem. I hope my people can convince his people to convince him to go ahead and write it. If he hasn’t found the writing cave by the time he finishes, I’ll find a way to get my hands on it.

    • on ,
      Tami Clayton said:

      Indeed it is. Big Adventure #2. Never been but have always wanted to go. A good friend recently moved there for work and I found a sweet deal on a flight so I figured now was my chance. I told her I want to do three things (besides lounge on the beach with a beverage in hand): snorkel, ride on a zip line, and hike Kilauea. She’s an adventurous sort and is up for it all. I just hope a certain classy British actor hasn’t tampered with my snorkeling lessons. I can only imagine the shenanigans he’ll create for me.

  2. I’m so very slightly (maddeningly, tremendously, vibratingly) jealous. And I hope you have a fabulous trip. Aloha!

    • on ,
      Tami Clayton said:

      Thanks, Liv. It’s not until April. Since I was a wee one, my grandmother (who passed away last year) had said we would someday take a trip to Hawaii. Sadly, we were never able to go together. I’m finally fulfilling a long-held dream to see Hawaii and I’ll be thinking of her while I’m there having a good adventure.

  3. Ben, Ben, Ben! When you discover the location of the writing cave, you must go there your self, post haste, and massage Tami’s ankles with your own non-aluminum, un-scheduled fingers!

    • on ,
      Tami Clayton said:

      I would not turn away a chance to have my ankles massaged by some non-aluminium, un-scheduled fingers. No poem required and all shenanigans with ski instructors would be forgiven.

  4. on ,
    Marcia said:

    Hawaii… what better place to relax and read poetry, especially, “The Aluminium Fingers Were Delivered on Schedule”!

  5. Ben,
    I hope you won’t be offended, but I didn’t even know of you before Tami’s blog. Now I see you everywhere. You with as a blond would definitely throw me off. I think I may have missed a post (with the blond hair). I’ve officially had the crud (<– this is a term which you are surely unacquainted with). So, maybe I don't remember due to over the counter medications.

    • on ,
      Tami Clayton said:

      Dear Brinda,
      I am not offended in the slightest. Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling poorly. I don’t believe you missed a post as the queen did not post a photo of me with blonde hair, probably because the photo freaks her out a bit too much. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

  6. So is it “schedule” with a “sh” that you’re all a-quiver over? Interesting…
    Snorkelling in Hawaii sounds like bliss — although I reckon the zip line sounds better! Have you ever conceived the desire to compete in “The Amazing Race’? Because you totally should. I could even rustle up a partner for you if necessary. (ahem)

    • on ,
      Tami Clayton said:

      Yes, schedule has been added to the list. Though I’ve heard some Brits say it with a mixed “sh” and the more American “sk” sound. Either way, I like it.

      The Amazing Race would be so much fun, though I tend to get very cranky when I don’t get regular sleep and I fear that every episode would have most of my words bleeped out for all the swearing I’d be doing. But if you can tolerate that, then we’d make a great team. 🙂

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